Growing up in a sheltered, conservative, religious home had at least one benefit. It was easy to put on a front and be seen as a "good" kid. I learned the lessons well that the outward actions, the public face, mattered much more than anything private or on the inside. I also learned that if anything in private or on the inside didn't line up with the "truth" (as we were taught it), well you'd better not reveal that or you might get in trouble. Yeah, I learned that well.
So, the public image was pristine (mostly, but that's another story for another day) . As a teenager I was one of the "good" kids. A positive influence on the younger ones in church and a regular role model for the rest of the teenagers. In private, I was a horny teenage male, with all the desires and secrets that come along with that. I enjoyed figuring out how my biology works (is that delicate enough?). I also definitely "enjoyed" my girlfriends and I would like to think they enjoyed themselves, too.
Please don't misunderstand. I never forced myself on anyone. Not really. Given the environment (remember: sheltered, conservative, religious), it was not difficult to find willing, submissive partners for my desires. I've talked to a few former girlfriends in the years since and they agree that I wasn't forceful or abusive. They also say that they were probably too scared of getting caught to say no if I had tried to force myself on them. I remember once, I was told no when I was reaching up a girls shirt. I stopped. We talked about it and she told me why. That was more than enough for me so we spent our time together practicing french kissing, which was fun enough.
Also, I never slept with anyone before I was married. In fact, I never touched below the waist until I was with Mrs! (before we were married). I think I regret this (the sex part). I often wonder if I had crossed that bridge, if I had had that sex experience, would I have thought differently about marriage. I'm sure I would have, but I'm not certain it would have changed my decision to marry Mrs!. In any case, I definitely thought it was wrong, but thinking something was wrong wasn't enough to stop my wandering hands with my girlfriends. I think one of the main things that prevented me (given my naive nature) was the fear of getting someone pregnant that kept me from trying anything.
You understand a little about my background now, you might understand a little more about my marriage. I married Mrs! in my early 20's. She wasn't even 20 yet. We met and married in under a year, but were heavily influenced to get married (I won't use the word "arranged", but it was close) by family members on both her and my side. Were we in love? I don't know. I do know that I wanted to get laid before any "coming judgement" the church kept talking about. Yeah, that's rather shallow, but there it is. When all you've heard growing up is one narrative, it is difficult to conceive that it might not be true. (Haha, "conceive"... no pun intended, really.)
Once we were married, we did what every married couple does... we started popping out offspring. I discovered quickly that my sex drive was WAY more active than Mrs! sex drive. Or at least so it seemed. Don't get me wrong, we definitely screwed. But I was up for multiple times a day and she just wasn't. I say it seemed that way because she might have had a higher drive than she let on and just been taught/believed that it wasn't "proper" for her to express such desires. At this point, I don't guess it matters.
So fast forward a decade and a half and we'd grown and moved on. Still together, with the four offspring I mentioned in another post, we left the sheltered, conservative, religious environment and experienced more reality of the real world. Over that time we had our share of spats and arguments, often centering around a couple things.
We fought about the housework. We chose to teach our kids at home. I was on board and even volunteered to help however necessary. My one stipulation was that the housework came first. I knew teaching was a big job and I didn't mind helping, even after working, but I didn't want to have to do housework when I got home. I felt it was only fair that I worked and she kept the house clean. Invariably, though, stuff wouldn't get done and the only excuse was because they were doing school.
We also fought over sex. Of course, I wanted more and more initiation/responsiveness/variety from her. I also wanted oral sex. (Yeah, I'm over 40 and have never had oral sex. Given, but never gotten to climax.) We'd fight, I'd get promises that she would try harder, and after a few weeks of (sometimes) trying, everything would go back to normal.
Our communication sucked. I know that I am partly at fault for that, but after so many times of sharing when something hurts or bothers me, and it not being genuinely received (as evidenced by the lack of change, ever), it is difficult to keep sharing over and over. Meanwhile, she never shared much. When she did, if I tried to explain or discuss or argue, she closed off and capitulated. Not what I wanted, but difficult to combat in any legitimate way.
So we had fallen into a cycle. Every 6-24 months something would happen and I would be too frustrated to keep burying everything. We would fight over stuff, including one or both of the above. Promises and apologies would be given. And within a few weeks to a few months everything would return back to the previous state of normal with me squashing my frustrations and her going back to not living up to her promises.
Then, I got a job half way across the country and we moved. We had a chance to start over in a new place. I figured things could get better now because we wouldn't have anything but each other. We had issues ongoing with A1 (and the marriage plans), and A3 was a full fledged prick about "leaving the only place he remembered as home" (drama queen). But overall, we felt this would be a good thing for our family and our relationship. Wow, was that ever wrong...
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
So, What's The Story? (Part 2)
So, What's The Story? (Part 3)
No comments:
Post a Comment