[To read Part 1 and Part 2 of my story.]
Mrs! and I argued. It had the same feel as the fight a year before. I told her the same thing about deep hurts. I said for a year she knew but didn't say anything, didn't ask about the hurt or how to make it right. Oh, sure, she's right, she occasionally asked if everything was OK. But she didn't dig into what I had told her; she didn't really desire to make it right. And let's be honest, asking if someone is OK once you are both in bed for the night hardly counts as trying to repair a relationship.
Again promises were made. Again we had another bout of amazing make up sex. But again, nothing really changed. Over the next few weeks as things went back to normal and the "changes" wore off, I had that empty feeling again. The only thing that had made it go away was the time I spent talking and chatting with BFF. Believe what you will, but I believe our hearts were knit together years ago and we just missed it on our first chance around.
So, in early October with things falling back to normal at home, BFF and I started talking more regularly again. I had missed her. It was easy for both of us to pick up very close to where we had left off. Or, where I had left her, I guess I should say. We were texting and talking regularly. I set up an anonymous facebook account to be able to post sexy songs and messages to her.
Shortly after BFF and I got back together, A1's wedding happened. One thing I can say, regardless of the rights or wrongs of my relationship with BFF, it restored my relationship with A1. My time with BFF helped me to understand that I wanted to be happy. I realized that A1 wanted the same thing and her soon-to-be-husband did exactly that, he made her happy. Yeah, as a caring father, I still had some concerns and I probably always will worry about my girl. But realizing that A1 was just reaching for happiness (like I was with BFF) helped me change my approach to her and that went a long way to repairing our relationship.
The holidays passed, frustratingly slow. When I was home on weekends and holidays, BFF's husband was usually home as well. This meant limited texting and no phone contact, making the time simply drag. We survived those days, as well as a visit by my family. I was doing stuff on my computer in our bedroom during that visit by family when everything changed.
Mrs! came into the room and matter-of-factly proclaimed, "The reason I don't talk to you about stuff is that it doesn't matter because you always make things out to be my fault." She quickly finished whatever it was that she had come into the room for and walked out, leaving me somewhat shell shocked. No room for discussion or debate, just a plain statement and she was gone. Obviously, I disagreed, but the details of why will have to come in another post.
This, though, to me, was the end of our relationship. If she refused to communicate with me then we had no chance to resolve any of our issues. This was the defining moment to me, and after this I began to pull away from our relationship in small, subtle ways. This was also when I opened up to a more intimate relationship with BFF.
BFF and I both got Skype on our computers and phones. Mrs! had returned to school to pursue a degree, so once she and the A#'s left in the morning I was free. My job allowed for a bit of flexibility, which gave BFF and I time together actually seeing each other in the mornings. We had shared some intimate photos before, and a few occasions of phone sex. (Well BFF got off, I was at work and just got to talk and listen, which was nice.) With video chat, we had a new way to share intimate times. The first time we got off together was amazing. I'll save the details for another post, but we came simultaneously.
Things at home deteriorated quickly as I had stopped initiating sex with very few exceptions. Mrs! uses sex as a sort of gauge on our relationship. As long as I fuck her, everything must be fine. And yes, I mean fuck. She doesn't care if it is making love or just a fuck, as long as we both get off, everything must be fine between us.
When I was already asleep (or pretending) when she came to bed, for several nights in a row, she started noticing. Of course, she never said anything. Remember, she doesn't communicate. I really question whether she even knows how. But, I could tell that she knew something was up.
BFF and I were enjoying our intimacy "together" thee or four times a week at this point. We had begun discussing how the transition might work for us to be together permanently. We really wanted to make that happen this year. Financially, and practically I couldn't figure it out. And then there were our kids to consider. While BFF was already planning on leaving her emotionally abusive husband, and her kids knew and understood and agreed, I had no such plans. My kids were (relatively) clueless about the issues between Mrs! and I. (I had spent one night on the couch, and A2 saw me there, but nothing was ever said.)
In the middle of March, after two weeks without sex, Mrs! finally spoke up. She asked about where our relationship was going and I told her that, after her comment in January, I realized we were over. I just didn't have the ability to leave yet. She didn't take it well. She shouted and yelled. I told her if we weren't going to communicate there was no sense in staying together. I explained some of the other issues I had. I had been working on putting words to them so that I could explain better when the time came. I did. She asked if there was no hope for us. I said I didn't see any.
That's when she lost it. She said if she couldn't be with me, she didn't want to live. She screamed for me to get the gun for her. When I (obviously) declined, she stormed into the closet, saying she would "get it herself!" I followed her into the closet and had to literally wrestle her to the floor. She sat there and cried.
Whatever I wanted for my life, I didn't want her to kill herself because of me. Slowly she calmed and we started talking some more. The more we talked, the more I tried explaining, the more she seemed to calm down. She confessed to treating me the same way she was accusing me of treating her. Then she asked me a simple question... "Is there someone else?"
I told the truth, albeit sparingly. I told her there was someone, but that she lived elsewhere, so we hadn't slept together. I said that, while I loved and didn't want to hurt Mrs!, that I also loved and wanted to be with BFF (at this point Mrs! didn't know who it was). She begged me to not give up on her but to give her another chance, to try again to make our marriage work. Reluctantly, I agreed. Part of me was indeed willing to work at it, but another part was also very concerned about what she might do if I didn't agree.
I broke the news to BFF the next morning. I don't think devastated or hurt can adequately cover how she felt. I really wished she would have hated me for what I did to her. I think it would have been easier. But she didn't. She was angry, but she understood (to a certain degree). Harder to accept was that BFF still loved me and just wanted to see me happy. If staying in my marriage would do it, she didn't like that, but she would accept it. (BFF is an amazing person.)
It has now been seven weeks. Mrs! has only asked a few questions about my time with BFF, including asking for confirmation of who it was. Mrs! had figured correctly. She didn't know BFF, but she knew the name and that BFF was a long time friend. While a few things have changed, much has reverted back to normal. In some few ways, Mrs! seems to be trying, but in so many others she is just as oblivious as ever. And the brief bright spots of extended communication we had in the weeks after the blow up are all but gone.
BFF and I remain friends. I still love her and want to be with her. We didn't talk much for the first few weeks, and I missed her terribly. Now we talk on occasion, mostly through text, but a phone call here or there. BFF had a date or two (she was reluctant to talk much about it), but she has since quit that. She wants to be with me and doesn't want to settle for someone else. I don't deserve that, but I appreciate it. She accepts that we are going to just be friends until I can figure out what to do.
That is the whole story, less some details here and there. Feel free to comment, question, or berate, as I'm sure there are bound to be some of each. I really don't mind and would love the feedback from an outsider's perspective. In addition to helping me figure out what to do, any feedback will help me know what parts of the story to share more details about.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
No comments:
Post a Comment