So, What About Love?

Got a little time to talk to BFF while I headed home.  Nice to chat, but things just aren't where they were with us.  I know this frustrates her (and me), but at the same time I'm not sure I'm ready for more without a clear path to a resolution.  Yeah, I'd love to be back where we were, but I just can't do it just yet.


This, unsaid but felt frustration is clear as we talk and chat.  Or, well, I should say, it is clear to me.  It is the proverbial 800 pound gorilla in the room, the unspoken rift between us that weighs heavy on my shoulders and frustrates her desires.  We skirt it once in a while, talking about what we want and the way things will be "one day".  But we don't discuss it very ofter.

Really, I'm not even sure what else to say.  I guess I could list the problems that I'm having.  She knows most of them from the few times we have talked about it.  A lot of it boils down to love, or, I guess I should say, what I believe love to be.  To me, love is putting someone else before yourself.  That is, considering the needs, emotions, and desires of the one you love before your own.

The degree to which you are willing to do this is the measure of your love.  For an acquaintance, I will be polite, but not bend over backwards to satisfy their needs.  My love for acquaintances is shallow.  For a good friend, I will do a lot to to satisfy their needs, but intimate and personal needs of good friends, I'm not comfortable meeting.  My love is deeper, but not the deepest.

The deepest love is one that is willing to put aside all, or nearly all of my own needs in order to satisfy the other's needs.  The beauty of a relationship where this is reciprocal is that every one's needs are met, fully and completely.  This is the relationship I want to have with BFF.

I feel like I've tried to have this relationship with Mrs! but that is hasn't been reciprocal.  Sure, she says she loves me, but she doesn't study what it is that makes me feel loved.  She is perfectly content seeing her needs and desires met but just enjoy that and not work at satisfying my needs and desires.

So the logical, the emotional, and the practical thing to do is to leave Mrs! and be with BFF.  But that's where the rest of the reason I stay comes in.  An equally powerful (but opposite) motivator to love is fear.  And there are personal fears as well as fears about Mrs! that keep me here as well.

So love for Mrs!, my own fears, and fear of Mrs! possible actions all work together to keep me here.  Being with BFF would be meeting my (and her) needs, emotions and desires.  Maybe one day I'll be able to meet those all the way I want to, but for now I remain frustrated and at home.  I keep putting on the "proper" face to make everything look normal, but the conflict within remains strong.

Until next time,
~ Anon ~