Since things with Mrs! have generally returned to the way they were before the suicide fight, I've gone back to doing things the way I was before. That means I'm doing some things in the relationship to keep the peace, including sex.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love sex, I am a guy after all. But I will say that with age has come a desire for intimacy that sometimes supersedes the desire for sex. Since the suicide fight, and the make up sex, we have had sex pretty regularly. Mrs! seems to equate frequency for the intimacy I seek, perhaps because as a younger man I sought the frequency more. But the lack of communication (and seeming lack of desire to communicate about sex) has left that incorrect assumption in her head.
Again, it isn't that I have a problem with frequent sex. Not at all. Just that frequency doesn't mean intimacy. Yeah, maybe I'm selfish, but I want both. I could go on about all the problems with our sex life, and there are many. The problems are old and not likely to be addressed any time soon. At least not if recent past is any evidence of our ability to address issues. No, I wanted to talk about what happened last night.
So it was Tuesday night, that means it was my night to initiate sex. This is one of those things I was talking about above, things to keep the peace. Yeah, really, there are two nights a week, Tuesday and Friday (date night) that I initiate whether I'm interested or not. And no, she doesn't know, at least not that she has said. If I'm horny at other times, I might. And I don't stop her if she starts.
Last night I lay on my side and started fingering her. Given her reluctance to do anything other than lay there and enjoy sex, I also made a decision that I would only finger her unless she asked for something else. Hell, I'd even be happy with a pointed pulling of my body onto hers, or pushing me back and climbing on my cock. But that has only happened once or twice in the past few months when I start things. She just lays there and lets out an occasional moan and sort of, kind of moves her hips into my hands.
She didn't bother moving me or saying anything last night. I rubbed her and fingered until she came. I don't know whether it was really taking longer than normal, but it seemed a bit longer. Last night was a bit unusual in that she let me keep rubbing after her orgasm. Usually she ends up squeezing her legs when she comes and I can't reach anything except where my hand is when she squeezes. Then after she relaxes she doesn't like me to keep going. She's really doesn't seem interested in working at or learning to get multiples. After a little rubbing she wasn't stopping, but she wasn't into it.
That meant it was my turn. I mounted her and was working in and out. Since the suicide fight I've had trouble off and on getting to climax. I really think it is a combination of things, but at least part of it is the lack of that intimacy feeling and another part has to do with changes in my work out schedule (using different muscles that tire easier). In any case, I got really close a couple times but it was hot and my legs were tiring. Eventually I collapsed back onto my side of the bed sweaty and with aching legs.
Over the past weeks when this has happened, she has offered to get me off by hand. I do appreciate this. As much as I'd love to have everything work out otherwise, this is a gracious "second best" by her. Only she didn't offer last night; the first time she didn't offer. She turned on the ceiling fan and, as she got back into bed, said, "I'll probably be asleep by the time you cool off and try again."
I told her that I expected it was more the tired muscles than just being hot. I said that because of that I didn't know if I would be able to try again. Not once that I can recall over the past weeks have I "cooled off and tried again". I'm not really sure where that came from. She said she was sorry that I didn't finish, but she never offered to finish for me.
I'm not sure how to take that and whether it meant anything at all. I do know that I sleep like crap when I get close and don't get to finish. So I slept like crap last night. Maybe tonight she will start something and I'll get to unload. Maybe not. You would think I would care more, but I can't seem to rise to the emotion of caring at this point. Maybe it is the lack of intimacy; maybe it is just the lack of a decent night's sleep.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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