I've had a difficult time trying to write today. I wanted to cover some things that happened over the weekend, but there's some missing pieces to the back story that make it difficult to be brief. Instead, I thought maybe I'd go over some of the issues I mentioned to Mrs! when we had our big discussions. These are the three issues I felt were the most problematic in our relationship.
If I want something done, and I need it to be done, I have to do it myself. I don't feel as though I can count on Mrs! to get things done in a timely, efficient manner. I started doing laundry before she went back to school because I was frustrated at not having clothes for work. This includes taking my slacks to the cleaners because they weren't washed and pressed. (Remember, before she started school, the A#s were in school and she wasn't working. She spent her days at home, alone.) I do my own shopping because I keep a closer eye on nutrition counts. It was, it would seem, too difficult for her to keep notes of the nutritional information for what she cooked, so I had to start tracking my own food. I could go on, but it is frustrating when someone who claims to love you doesn't consider important the things that are important to me.
If we do something, if she isn't into it, she will not show interest or even act as though she enjoyed it. We went to my birthday dinner date a few years ago. A cover band was performing and I had a great time. The entire night she sat in her seat as though it pained her to be there. When I asked she gave some excuse about the people behind her bumping her chair. I suggested she could have moved next to me. She answered with a non-committal grunt. When we had our big fight she finally admitted that she feared because I was "drinking too much". I had had about 4 or 5 beers over a three hour period. She was making excuses.
Again, we went to a Christmas party last year with my running group. She stood at the side of the room, or at my shoulder, and only interacted with people who talked to her. She folded her arms and only participated when she had to. At some point she snapped at me and was silent all the way home. I'm still not entirely sure what the problem was other than that I was having a good time. She commented during our big fight that the running group are a bunch of snobs, but this weekend we ran with them and everyone we talked about after got the "very down to earth" description from her. I'm not sure who the snobs are anymore.
We went to a live concert a few weeks ago. We were in an outdoor arena, and there was a chance of bad weather, so we took jackets. Throughout the entire concert she stood with jackets folded over her arms. The only time she came close to me was when I put my arm around her and pulled her close. I got the pleasure of side hugging her as she stood there.
I have tried over the years to do things that she likes to do, and to enjoy doing them. I have tried to make our marriage all about her. I believe this is how things should be. I make it all about her; she makes it all about me. We both enjoy the benefits of the other person making a big deal about us. Unfortunately, I feel as though I've done this for a long time. And she agreed when I brought this up at the big fight, I do make everything about her. But I don't feel she does the same. I told her I felt very tired of being on a such a one sided giving arrangement.
Finally, communication sucks in our marriage. We don't talk; we chit-chat. If she has a problem, she doesn't talk to me about it. She said in our big fight this was because I made it into her fault. I tried explaining that I didn't try to make what I did wrong her fault, just that I often did respond to things that she had done. It isn't a matter of saying I am right and you are wrong, but a matter of here is why I did what I did. I feel that is an important part of the conversation. If I have a problem, I can bring it up and she will find something that I've done to hurt her that is unrelated and bring that up. Even with the fights leading up to and including the big fight, I brought up hurts and problems and we had to deal with her issues first, whether they were related to what I brought up or not.
My sincere belief is that she is more interested in the image of a "good" marriage rather than actually working on the relationship necessary to obtain a good marriage. If she can feel like everything is going well, she's content to just slide along doing the minimum necessary to prevent upsetting the image. She doesn't really want to work on a deeper, connecting relationship because that is difficult, it requires openness and vulnerability she doesn't want, and it may tarnish the image she wants to portray.
I could share more details, and I probably will since we didn't even discuss the poor view of sex, but this is the essential core of the problems I told her about. I really don't see much of this changing. She hasn't shown much more responsibility, and communication isn't much better than it was before. I will give her credit for trying to enjoy some things, like the running group. But even there, in other areas, she hasn't changed. Like the concert revealed.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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