Got a phone call this morning at work. Mrs! had gotten a call about a family member's illness. The news had upset her and I left work early to be with her. As odd as it sounds, there is part of me that still loves her and I don't like to see her hurt.
I texted BFF as I drove home, wanting to let her know that I wasn't going to be available today to text or call. After a long weekend (even though I did get a call in with her) it sucks a little more. At least I got a chance to text for a few minutes. Maybe I'll have a chance to call for a few after I hit the gym later this afternoon.
But as I think about the implications of this illness that Mrs! family member has to deal with, I'm also confronted with the concept that maybe, Mrs! will have to go spend time with them to help take care of the ill person. I'm not certain that all the A#'s would go with her as A2 has work, but I would possibly have some free time. If BFF were able to come visit, perhaps....
Then I'm confronted with the same fears and concerns I always have. Where is this all going? If I can't break things with Mrs!, then do I really have any business being with BFF? I mean, I want to be with BFF, but at the same time, there are fears. Obviously, I don't want to get "caught", but more than that, I just don't know what level of relationship I'm comfortable with if I can't make a commitment to BFF.
BFF reads here, but I've told her I will be honest as much as I can here. I know she will read this and I know she will tell me there is not pressure. I know she doesn't intend to be pressuring me, but there is pressure. Both from my own perspective as well as from what I know she wants.
Should I just go for the little time that we might be able to have with each other and worry about the rest later? I know BFF would say I should. But I also suspect that she thinks once we are physical it will be harder for me to stay with Mrs!. Maybe she is right. Maybe that is part of my fear, too. I'm not sure.
Should I just accept that the limited aspect of our relationship is hurting BFF, that my lack of commitment is frustrating her and the best thing, if I can't commit, is to let her go to live her life? Again, I know she would tell me that is not what she wants. But I'm conflicted. I know it hurts her to talk and chat with me without anything more, or without any more depth. Especially after how intimate we've been.
So, I'm facing the prospect of actually having a chance to get physical with BFF. (Yeah, I'm a dick for thinking about this when Mrs! is dealing with an illness in her family.) And I'm questioning whether I really would go through with it. Do I want to? Absolutely, I want to feel BFF's body against my own, to feel her quiver in delight from what I do to her. Is it the best decision? I am so conflicted about this, I just don't know.
Anyone want to share their thoughts with me?
Until next time,
~Anon~
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