I had hoped to post last night since I didn't get to post during the day. That wasn't possible, though since I ended up taking A3 to his scout testing. This was not part of my plan, and while I don't mind taking the As to meting and activities, the way I became entangled last night was particularly frustrating.
After the Monday scout meeting, A3 let us both know that he would be testing on Thursday (last night). After the information Mrs! had gotten about her father, she was debating going (with the As) to see her parents while they were visiting nearby family. When we talked about it on Tuesday, I suggested, since she didn't want to stay with them overnight, that she get up early one day that A2 had work. In fact, I suggested, if you do it on Thursday, A3 has his testing also, so that is another reason you can't stay later. She agreed and made the plans to go.
So, having been reminded about the testing twice before yesterday, Mrs! got back from her day trip and promptly sent A2 off to work... with her only vehicle. Not knowing this, when I finished at the gym yesterday afternoon, I texted to let Mrs! know I was on my way home. She responded, "We will be ready when you get here." Wait, what?
I got home around 6:30 to find her vehicle gone and they actually weren't waiting. I unloaded my junk and got a drink while Mrs! and A3 got in my car. Unfortunately, Mrs! didn't think to offer to take him (she doesn't like driving my car), so I loaded back up and we left.
A2 was a few minutes late for his test. He said he didn't know if we would be waiting or were going to leave, and I said it probably depended on how long he would be. He never bothered to come tell us, so we waited for him over an hour. The tester left after an hour and we waited, expecting A3 to come out. Half an hour later he still wasn't there, so Mrs! volunteered to go check on him. She found him hanging with friends, just messing around.
When A2 finally got to the car a few minutes later, we left. By the time we got home it was nearly 9:00. I was still in my sweaty gym clothes, I hadn't had any dinner, and my clothes and things from my workday were on the floor in the kitchen. It took about a half hour to do my normal evening routine, so I finally sat down to eat dinner about 9:30.
To be fair, Mrs! did offer to help me as I did my evening routine. I declined because when I'm trying to get things done fast is not the time I want to take to explain to her what to do or have to check up behind her to make sure it was done right. (I know this sounds harsh, but I can't count the number of occasions this has been an issue in the past. For example, getting to the gym missing clothes because the bag wasn't packed right, or running late because the coffee wasn't ready to start in the morning.) Honestly, I think she was more upset that there was something marring the relationship than she was about the frustration she caused me.
Later last night as I finished eating and we watched television, she asked if I was angry with her or if there was something else. I told her I was frustrated with everything and that it would pass. I don't understand why I said that. Well, I do, sort of. I know that she's going to be upset if I tell her that I was frustrated by all the mishandling of the situation by her. That I was frustrated because, despite her promising things would be different, this was another issue of lacking responsibility and her inability to take care of things. Saying any of that means she is going to mope around depressed and upset.
Sure, that may not be a bad thing. She should feel depressed and upset about how poorly she handled things. And there's the rub. She will be depressed and upset until I start acting like things are OK. She's not upset over what she did. She's upset over the fact that the relationship isn't smooth from her perspective. She is more concerned about what she's getting out of the relationship more than how she has hurt me. It has always been this way and it appears that nothing has changed.
That's why I'm dead. That is the relationship that I have to deal with and I'm stuck with it. I'm sure that the suicide threat during the big fight was more theatrics than reality. But, there is a part of me that wonders if we were to split up and six or ten months down the road, whether she would try something that stupid. I truly believe that she is a very selfish person, so I feel I have good reason to pause and wonder this. And I can't live with that on my conscience.
So, here I stay. Playing make believe in a relationship that I don't see ever improving. Wishing and hoping for a relationship I don't know how can happen. This is where I plant my head in what feels like a fatal blow. I feel dead, but I put on a pretty face and keep on pretending, wishing and hoping for something to change.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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