So, Are You Alone?

Between the entertaining times over the weekend, I realized that I was just plain bored.  We did the movie thing, did the date thing, and even watched the award ceremony for A4.  But between the bits of fun things and distracting things I realized that there wasn't really anything.  I'm surrounded by people, and even interact with them at times, but on the whole, I am alone.


I do realize that part of the blame for this lies wholly on me.  I mean, I surely could change my circumstances.  I could actively engage Mrs! and the A's more and force the interaction that my soul craves.  That would, to some extent, leave me less alone and feeling more involved.  But that's not really what I want.

Yes, of course, I want to be less alone and more interactive.  But not so much that I have to beg for it, and that is essentially what I'd be doing if I forced my family to interact.  I do want that interaction, but I want it because they want it, not because I force it.  I want them to desire the interaction enough that they seek it out.  Unfortunately, most days, it seems my presence is enough.

On the other hand, I could change my circumstances by leaving Mrs! to be with BFF.  While that would satisfy some of my desire for interaction and leave me less alone, the fact remains that it would, at best, scar the relationships that I have with Mrs! and the A's.  And I really don't want that either.

Oddly enough, it has been a long time that I have felt alone, and in some respects, I've grown comfortable with the feeling.  I can remember in the past at a church gathering standing to the side watching my family members interact.  They were enjoying themselves with their friends, and I was content in the fact that they were happy, at least relatively so.  Didn't matter so much to me whether I was or not, the fact that they were was enough.

Now, here we are, five years later and I'm still lacking that fulfilling connection.  BFF and I are able to talk, but that's really all we have.  Mrs! is content to sit in the same room, playing her games or watching television rather than actually interacting with me on any meaningful level.  And who knows how much of the A's reaction is default "you are my parent I have to have a relationship" and how much is that they really do want a meaningful relationship.

Another blogger that I enjoy reading says that she is invisible.  I suspect this is part of what she means.  There is no real meaningful relationship, no one notices.  Until something is out of place or not what it should be.  Then, you get noticed.  I think that is what she means by invisible, at least part of it.  And I get that.  I do.

Until next time,
~ Anon ~