So, Is This The End?

Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since I posted here!

I guess I should do some clean up explaining.  I don't think I'll post here again...  at least not for a while.  Why?  Well several reasons, in no particular order.

First, either I'm not as good a writer as I thought/hoped (was told?) or I'm just not entertaining.  I never really gained any sort of following here.  That's fine, I can handle that.  Unfortunately, given the intricacies of my situation, I was hoping for some interaction as well, and I never got that either.  Again, not a big deal, people have lives and my shit didn't rate high enough. :)  I get that.  Besides, I'm sure several (most?) people who read here had a problem with my choices and no one wants to call out a stranger or tell someone they barely know that they are wrong.  I get that, too.  Wouldn't have bothered me, but I do understand the thought process.

Second, and this is the conclusion to my story, I don't think BFF and I will be getting together any time too soon.  Anything is possible, but I will probably never leave Mrs! and BFF turned out to be less interested in a role as just the "other woman" than we had both originally believed.  Maybe one day we will have our time, but for now we are just friends.

So we had our opportunity to get together while Mrs! was gone for the week.  Even though A2 was home, I had made plans/excuses such that BFF and I would have had some private time to spend a day or two together.  For several reasons, BFF was not able to make it either weekend.  We saw each other a couple of times thanks to technology, but the in-person time was not to be had.

After that failed weekend plan I began to think about the past.  It occurred to me that BFF and I had at least three distinct chances to end up together.  And none of them worked out.  Back as teens, we never dated.  Now, years later, we both acknowledge that we had crushes on each other, but neither of us acted on that, neither of us took the chance to get together.  Then, back in March, when Mrs! and I got into the big "suicide" fight, I had the chance to leave, to quit and be with BFF.  I didn't take it.  And finally, that week that Mrs! was gone, BFF and I had the chance to be together, even if just for a few days.  She didn't take it.  Three distinct times that I know of that we had the chance to be together and one or the other of us didn't take it.  It is popular (not sure how true) to say, if things are meant to happen they will.  Well, we had chances to make it happen, but it didn't.

There's more to the story, but only details.  BFF and I had a few phone conversations, and more text converstaions.  She never really asked what happened, but she knew something had changed.  I guess I owed her more of an explanation than I gave her.  But explaining the above seemed harder before I actually did it.  She still texts me from time to time, and while I do enjoy the conversation it is bittersweet for both of us.

Mrs! and I are both "working on our marriage".  Not sure what that means, other than that we are both supposed to be trying to communicate more.  I'm really not sure if anything has changed or will change.  I don't know if it matters.  I'm not generally unhappy, and sometimes I'm actually happy.  I'm trying to learn to get by with what I have.  Most days it is fine, and when it isn't I either try to talk about it or just find something non-offensive to distract me until it is better.

So, I guess that's the end of my story.  It isn't a particularly good story, but then again, I'm not a particularly good man.  I'm sure there will be more stuff I can't tell, but I don't know that I will put it here.  Thanks to the few of you who read this (if anyone actually did beside BFF).

For BFF:  If you happen to check here and find this, I hope you understand.  Know that I love you.  I guess I always have and I always will.  I don't know why neither of us could "pull the trigger" (so to speak) on our relationship years ago.  It seems that as we have aged, we have become tied to other people and other things that prevented either of us from doing it now.  I know that, once again, I've hurt you.  I loathe myself for that.  Every time I think of you, which is more often than you probably believe.  I told you once that I wouldn't come back calling unless I was free.  I meant it then, even if I broke that promise, but now I'm saying it again.  And that is a promise I intend to keep this time.  I guess when it all comes down to it, that's who I really am, a man who does his best to keep promises.  I've made and broken far too many, especially to you over the past few years.  I am so very sorry for that and I hope you can forgive me.  I am now, and will forever be your friend.

~ Anon ~

So, Why Am I Not Posting Today?

OK, I've mentioned, I think, my very conservative upbringing.  Well it was severe.  So severe, in fact, that I was taught that any and all consumption of alcohol was sinful and evil and really, really bad.  So up to a few years ago, I hadn't had any save for a few rebellious trysts in high school.

Mariam, Part Two

Part One

"Treavor," the bartender called out, "Let her go.  Mrs. Mariam needs to get home."

"My apologies," Treavor called back over his shoulder, "I was just offering to buy her a drink."  He stood and loosened his grip on her arm, but didn’t release her yet.  "I apologize, ma’am.  But the offer still stands."  Finally he released her arm after a final, gentle squeeze.

Mariam stood absolutely still.  Her mind was screaming for her to run out.  Her body was crying for her to hide in her home and bring herself to release as she did most afternoons.  But then, she remembered Ruby’s words, "You might be surprised what you could do."

"I...I'll stay," she whispered before she even knew she had made the decision.

"Did you say something," Treavor asked quietly, an eyebrow raised.

"I'll stay," she said again, loud enough for him to hear.  She turned and looked at him.  "For a drink, but not here."  She glanced over her shoulder to the stairs before looking back.

He was rugged, but handsome.  His face was tanned and stubble grew on his square jaw.  His barrel chest was at her eye level and his thick legs were probably each as big around as Harlan's waist.

"Beg pardon," he looked at her, surprise on his face.

"I'll stay for one drink," she said softly, looking deeply into his brown eyes, "but not down here."  She held his gaze for a moment longer, then looked pointedly at the stairs again.  He looked up to the balcony leading to the private chambers above the bar.

"Oh,"” he said, a smile spreading across his face.  He reached back to the table and grabbed his whisky bottle and two glasses, ignoring the protest of his fellow sitting with him.

He grabbed her by the arm again, rougher than she expected, but not harshly, and set off toward the stair.  She fell into step with him, her heart pounding in her chest and her crotch pulsing in time.  She felt the tell-tale trickle as more wet poured from her swelling womanhood.

As they walked up the stairs, she dared a glance back down at the barroom.  No one seemed to have taken notice of them.  Even the bartender had gone back to serving drinks and polishing glasses.  She topped the stairs and Treavor led her to the first empty room on the right.  The room contained a bed, a small table next to it and a single chair.  The lamp on the table flickered, providing barely enough light for the windowless room.  Treavor released her arm as he closed the door behind them.

"I've not a lot of experience with men, sir," she said, looking at the floor "but I will do what you ask of me in order to please you."  In truth she had only ever been with Harlan and he was awkward and clumsy.  Often she didn’t climax before his clumsy thrusts resulted in him spilling himself inside her.  She was grateful for the times she did, and even more so for the private time she had in the afternoons.

"I see," Treavor said, putting the bottle and glasses on the bedside table and turning up the flame on the lamp.  "I'm sure you will be just fine."

He reached to her and began unbuttoning her blouse.  She gasped as his hands moved across her breasts, and again as he slid her unbuttoned top off her shoulders.  Her blouse dropped to the floor behind her and she stood before him more exposed than she had been to any man beside Harlan.  Her undergarments were wet with her passion now.

Treavor fumbled with the tie on her corset and swore.  He stopped , grabbed at the whiskey and  poured two glasses.  Holding one out to her, he turned the other up in a single swallow.  Mariam hesitated and he pushed the glass toward her.  She took it gingerly and sipped.  Fire burned down her throat and struck her stomach.  She coughed and nearly dropped the glass.

"Haha," Treavor laughed, "Yeah, that’s why you down it all at once."  He waited for her to stop coughing and said with a grin, "Try again," pushing the glass back toward her face.

Skeptically, Mariam turned the glass up as she had seen Treavor do.  Again the fire exploded inside her down to her stomach.  She coughed again, but not nearly as roughly as before.  She set the empty glass down and her eyes grew wider as the fire passed from her belly into her already wet and pulsating pussy.  She looked up at Treavor.

"Yeah," he said, not completely understanding her look, "I only get the good stuff."

He peeled off his shirt and tossed it to the side.  Mariam looked at his muscular body and hairy chest.  Harlan had barely any hair and was dreadfully small in comparison.  She wondered what it would be like to feel those muscular arms and touch his chest.

He reached for her again, and again swore as he fumbled with the corset.  She sensed his frustration and put a hand on his chest, the fire in her abdomen and crotch giving her a boldness she never felt with Harlan.  She pushed gently on his chest while her other hand reached for the ties and clasps on her corset.  He backed a step away and she undid the bindings.  She tossed the stiff garment to the side, exposing her breasts and body to the stranger before her.

Treavor sucked in air, his smile showing his pleasure.  She watched as he reached for and unlatched the belt holding up his trousers.  He unhooked two buttons and they fell to the floor in a bunch at his feet exposing the rest of his body.  As Mariam gawked at the size of his already stiff cock, he reached down and took it in his hand, slowly rubbing as he looked at her.

"You wanna do the rest," he asked, gesturing his chin at her skirt, "Or shall I?"

Mariam paused for a second, not understanding, then reached for the clasps at the back of her skirt.  Treavor sat in the chair to watch, stepping out of his boots and pants in the process.  Embarrassed at how wet her undergarments must be, she held her skirt and pulled down her skirt and undergarments altogether.  She paused again for a second as she crouched on the floor, the realization of what she was doing sinking into her head.  But only for a moment.  She looked again at the size of him, of his cock, and knew she would never be satisfied until she felt him enter her.

Slowly, never taking her eyes off of her prize, she stood, exposing her naked body to him fully.  He continued stroking on his cock slowly as she stood.  He swore again when she was fully up.  He released himself and stepped toward her, one meaty hand reaching out to grab her breast.  His rough, calloused hand squeezed her tit and she moaned.

...

So, Why Am I Always Confused?

Well, I am confused.  Both of the women in my life have a way of confusing me and I really don't know how to figure things out.  I guess I'm just really bad at reading signs and hints, or else I'm trying to read into stuff when there isn't anything really there.  (Of course, BFF has the advantage of being able to read here, so she will see this.  I'm not sure now that it was a good idea to tell her about it, but if I didn't I'm not sure I'd have any readers.) :D

So, Why Am I Alone?

Well, I wanted to expand on last night's post.  It was late and I was tired and ready to go to bed.  (Didn't get there for a couple more hours, but still.)  Anyway, I think there is more to say about being alone.  I'll explore it a bit more tonight.  But, I am also drinking now and don't plan to stop just yet.  So this could be interested.

So, What Is My Problem?

It has been a long weekend.  Mrs! is gone and BFF wasn't able to come up, so I've had lots of time on my own.  And, really, that is the core of the problem.  I really don't like being alone.  In fact, that has a lot to do with how I feel about Mrs! and BFF, I think.

So, Why Don't I Just Confront The Problems?

I have only had a couple comments about this blog.  Other than BFF and I, there are a couple more hits, so someone is reading what I write.  It may just be a random hit every once in a while and really only BFF and I are reading, I don't know. :)  But with the lack of actual questions I'll try to answer one that I can imagine people have asked themselves.

So, What's The Company Policy Again?

Well, it looks like I may end up having to slow up on my posting soon. I missed posting yesterday because Tuesday I started reading a couple new blogs (Betty Homebanger and Filled and Fooled). Very well written, very entertaining reads. Unfortunately, on Tuesday, I was reading them at work.

So, Does Bad News Always Suck?

Got a phone call this morning at work.  Mrs! had gotten a call about a family member's illness.  The news had upset her and I left work early to be with her.  As odd as it sounds, there is part of me that still loves her and I don't like to see her hurt.

So, Why Am I Dead?

I had hoped to post last night since I didn't get to post during the day.  That wasn't possible, though since I ended up taking A3 to his scout testing.  This was not part of my plan, and while I don't mind taking the As to meting and activities, the way I became entangled last night was particularly frustrating.

Mariam, Part One

Mariam had been curious about the saloons and brothels across town ever since she and Harlan had moved to Mineral Gulch a year ago.  She was so excited when he told her about moving from back east and setting up his dental practice in the gold rush town.  The excitement of the frontier had always intrigued her and now, for the past year, she was living here. 

So, Why Am I Smiling?

Yesterday was an all around depressing day.  Between lack of sleep, personal setbacks in my diet/exercise plans, the bitchiness of Mrs!-in-law, slow postal service, and frustratingly obtuse co-workers, yesterday was one Monday I could have slept through or just completely done without.  Today made it all better (or at least bearable).

So, Are You Alone?

Between the entertaining times over the weekend, I realized that I was just plain bored.  We did the movie thing, did the date thing, and even watched the award ceremony for A4.  But between the bits of fun things and distracting things I realized that there wasn't really anything.  I'm surrounded by people, and even interact with them at times, but on the whole, I am alone.

So, Enjoying Your Long Weekends?

I was texting with BFF yesterday and wondering what I should write about today.  One of the benefits of my job is that when I finish a particularly busy project I am granted a day off, that doesn't count against vacation time.  So, with a busy week and a program at A4's school, I took today off.  Nice to have a day off of work.  Except...

So, What About That Laundry?

OK, so at the risk of making myself look like more of an ass of a husband than you already think, I have to pass along the piss-me-off moment from yesterday.  It involves laundry and, as such, is ripe for making me appear to be a horrible person.  Or at least more horrible than I already appear.  So let me give some background, in the hopes that I may appear a little less of an ass.

So, What About Sex?

Since things with Mrs! have generally returned to the way they were before the suicide fight, I've gone back to doing things the way I was before.  That means I'm doing some things in the relationship to keep the peace, including sex.

Me, You, Entwine

Your words sound out to me,
They tell of things no one should see.
Your heart is bruised as it never should be!
You say, Sorry...

Talking helps you get thru,
So please talk to me, I tell you.
I know we belong together we two;
My heart needs you!

You're quiet but still mine;
I feel your smile through the phone line.
O'er time I've felt your heart and mine, entwine.
Don't need a sign.

~ Anon ~

So, What About Love?

Got a little time to talk to BFF while I headed home.  Nice to chat, but things just aren't where they were with us.  I know this frustrates her (and me), but at the same time I'm not sure I'm ready for more without a clear path to a resolution.  Yeah, I'd love to be back where we were, but I just can't do it just yet.

Train - Mermaid

Not today.  Not tomorrow.  Not next week or next month.  But sometime, someday, I will be with BFF.  When that happens, this will be one song to describe our relationship.  We both love music, and lots of the same kind of music.  We have so many songs that are special to us, but this one is very special to me.  Some of the reasons:

Hands

Her body jumped with a start as the hand slid over her hips and fingertips brushed the top of her pussy.  She drew in a sharp breath as the electric thrill of the first touch coursed through her folds and excited her clit.  She kept her eyes closed, but rolled to her back, her knees falling open to expose all of her.

So, Where Did I Disappear To?

OK, so after a hasty (and admittedly poor) showing on Monday, I didn't post at all yesterday.  Monday work was just plain busy.  I'll apologize for the crappy post, but sometimes that's what you get when I generally am only on here from work.  Since this blog was supposed to be a mostly every day thing, I was a bit frustrated at not posting yesterday.  But, honestly, I really have a good excuse.  It all started as I set aside some work to compose a new blog post.  I was less than a sentence into the post when my phone rang.

So, What Are The Issues?

I've had a difficult time trying to write today.  I wanted to cover some things that happened over the weekend, but there's some missing pieces to the back story that make it difficult to be brief.  Instead, I thought maybe I'd go over some of the issues I mentioned to Mrs! when we had our big discussions.  These are the three issues I felt were the most problematic in our relationship.

So What's The Story? (Part 3)

[To read Part 1 and Part 2 of my story.]

Mrs! and I argued.  It had the same feel as the fight a year before.  I told her the same thing about deep hurts.  I said for a year she knew but didn't say anything, didn't ask about the hurt or how to make it right.  Oh, sure, she's right, she occasionally asked if everything was OK.  But she didn't dig into what I had told her; she didn't really desire to make it right.  And let's be honest, asking if someone is OK once you are both in bed for the night hardly counts as trying to repair a relationship.

So, What's The Story? (Part 2)

[To read Part 1 of my story.]

Moving is never easy.  Especially when you have to essentially start from scratch in a new part of the country.  With an old home to deal with and a new home to acquire, I set off to the new locale with A3 in tow.  I spent my days at work while A3 schooled, then at lunch and evenings I would review A3's work and assign the next lessons.  In the later evening, after A3 was in bed, I would have some private time with Mrs!.

So, What's The Story? (Part 1)

Growing up in a sheltered, conservative, religious home had at least one benefit.  It was easy to put on a front and be seen as a "good" kid.  I learned the lessons well that the outward actions, the public face, mattered much more than anything private or on the inside.  I also learned that if anything in private or on the inside didn't line up with the "truth" (as we were taught it), well you'd better not reveal that or you might get in trouble.  Yeah, I learned that well.

So, Who Are All These People?

(Anon Note:  Second post today, but I want to get the preliminaries out of the way so I can get down to some real posts.)

My story is so deep and long that I don't ever expect to be able to tell it all.  Hell, I don't even understand everything, so I'm probably leaving out some desperately important pieces of the puzzle for the simple fact that I don't know that they are important.  In any case, there are several people who play important roles in the story.  I should introduce you to them.

So, Who The Hell Am I?

So, introductions are in order.  I'm Anonymous and I want to stay that way.  That means I will not be giving tons of information to identify myself.  The nature of this blog and the purpose of this blog make such revelations impossible.

You will just have to take it on faith that I am a real person.  Unfortunately, there are some bits of information that are necessary in order to communicate effectively here.  So, without giving away too much, I hope, here's more about me.

So, What's This? A New Blog? Why?

Yeah, welcome to my little corner of hell.  This is my new blog; a new experience for me.  Not blogging, I've done that randomly before.  No, the new part is that this blog is anonymous.  Yeah, you may figure out who I am (I'm sure some enterprising computer whiz could do it in a heart beat), but at least for now, I'm anonymous.  That gives me a forum to say things I wouldn't otherwise say.