Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since I posted here!
I guess I should do some clean up explaining. I don't think I'll post here again... at least not for a while. Why? Well several reasons, in no particular order.
First, either I'm not as good a writer as I thought/hoped (was told?) or I'm just not entertaining. I never really gained any sort of following here. That's fine, I can handle that. Unfortunately, given the intricacies of my situation, I was hoping for some interaction as well, and I never got that either. Again, not a big deal, people have lives and my shit didn't rate high enough. :) I get that. Besides, I'm sure several (most?) people who read here had a problem with my choices and no one wants to call out a stranger or tell someone they barely know that they are wrong. I get that, too. Wouldn't have bothered me, but I do understand the thought process.
Second, and this is the conclusion to my story, I don't think BFF and I will be getting together any time too soon. Anything is possible, but I will probably never leave Mrs! and BFF turned out to be less interested in a role as just the "other woman" than we had both originally believed. Maybe one day we will have our time, but for now we are just friends.
So we had our opportunity to get together while Mrs! was gone for the week. Even though A2 was home, I had made plans/excuses such that BFF and I would have had some private time to spend a day or two together. For several reasons, BFF was not able to make it either weekend. We saw each other a couple of times thanks to technology, but the in-person time was not to be had.
After that failed weekend plan I began to think about the past. It occurred to me that BFF and I had at least three distinct chances to end up together. And none of them worked out. Back as teens, we never dated. Now, years later, we both acknowledge that we had crushes on each other, but neither of us acted on that, neither of us took the chance to get together. Then, back in March, when Mrs! and I got into the big "suicide" fight, I had the chance to leave, to quit and be with BFF. I didn't take it. And finally, that week that Mrs! was gone, BFF and I had the chance to be together, even if just for a few days. She didn't take it. Three distinct times that I know of that we had the chance to be together and one or the other of us didn't take it. It is popular (not sure how true) to say, if things are meant to happen they will. Well, we had chances to make it happen, but it didn't.
There's more to the story, but only details. BFF and I had a few phone conversations, and more text converstaions. She never really asked what happened, but she knew something had changed. I guess I owed her more of an explanation than I gave her. But explaining the above seemed harder before I actually did it. She still texts me from time to time, and while I do enjoy the conversation it is bittersweet for both of us.
Mrs! and I are both "working on our marriage". Not sure what that means, other than that we are both supposed to be trying to communicate more. I'm really not sure if anything has changed or will change. I don't know if it matters. I'm not generally unhappy, and sometimes I'm actually happy. I'm trying to learn to get by with what I have. Most days it is fine, and when it isn't I either try to talk about it or just find something non-offensive to distract me until it is better.
So, I guess that's the end of my story. It isn't a particularly good story, but then again, I'm not a particularly good man. I'm sure there will be more stuff I can't tell, but I don't know that I will put it here. Thanks to the few of you who read this (if anyone actually did beside BFF).
For BFF: If you happen to check here and find this, I hope you understand. Know that I love you. I guess I always have and I always will. I don't know why neither of us could "pull the trigger" (so to speak) on our relationship years ago. It seems that as we have aged, we have become tied to other people and other things that prevented either of us from doing it now. I know that, once again, I've hurt you. I loathe myself for that. Every time I think of you, which is more often than you probably believe. I told you once that I wouldn't come back calling unless I was free. I meant it then, even if I broke that promise, but now I'm saying it again. And that is a promise I intend to keep this time. I guess when it all comes down to it, that's who I really am, a man who does his best to keep promises. I've made and broken far too many, especially to you over the past few years. I am so very sorry for that and I hope you can forgive me. I am now, and will forever be your friend.
~ Anon ~
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