Well, I am confused. Both of the women in my life have a way of confusing me and I really don't know how to figure things out. I guess I'm just really bad at reading signs and hints, or else I'm trying to read into stuff when there isn't anything really there. (Of course, BFF has the advantage of being able to read here, so she will see this. I'm not sure now that it was a good idea to tell her about it, but if I didn't I'm not sure I'd have any readers.) :D
So I got a text today from Mrs! Seems they had gone to a bigger city where there was better cell coverage and she could text me. Unfortunately, it seems that she had not charged her phone adequately because she let me know her battery was low. :sigh:
But this is par for the course with Mrs!, this is how she operates over and over and over again for the past 20 years. She says she loves me and that she thinks about me. But time and again we run into situations where she has not thought ahead to make either communication or time together a priority.
I'm reminded of the many quotes that speak of making a priority the things that are important. She simply doesn't do that when it comes to interaction with me. Whether it is about sex and planning an earlier bed time or something simple like making sure your cell phone is charges so we can text or talk freely, she just doesn't seem to put our relationship as a priority.
Then with BFF, there are other ways I get confused. This is the first time I'm saying some of this, so I'm sure I will either hear about it or something. I'm guessing anyway, but I get confused so easy, I could be wrong.
Anyway, after the suicide fight, I told Mrs! I would take a few days to decide what I was going to do. The fight was on a Thursday and I said I would have a decision by the end of the weekend. I had actually even considered staying in a hotel and spending the weekend alone a bit. But that's the odd thing. When I talked to BFF the next day, she seemed to concede our relationship and let me go. I didn't feel like she put up much fight other than asking me to visit her, which I couldn't do.
And now, our relationship is only in the present, no future plans. She has said she is ok with this. Or rather, to be clearer, she would like more, but she is content with whatever she can get. For now, that is not much, but we still talk and flirt. I've sent her a few pictures and, when I was drinking, sent a few very sexual texts.
But, for all that, I suspect she is not really OK with our relationship where it is. There are little things that keep popping up and bugging me. There are several things that all piled together push me to this idea. Alone they aren't much, but all together they seem to point to her not being OK with this. And this is part of what I meant yesterday about being a distraction to her moving on.
There was the trouble we had trying to coordinate our weekend together. She had a legitimate reason for not coming, and I don't fault her for that. But between that and her reaction when we found out this next weekend wasn't going to work was almost one of relief. I know she isn't wanting to put pressure on me, but it definitely feels like there is no pursuit or fight at all sometimes. Honestly, I'm not sure how much I want her to fight and pursue, so I'm not sure that I should complain too much about this.
Then there are the opportunities we have to interact. We text a good bit. I may be wrong about this, but if the texting every gets into the sex chat area, I think that is generally something that I start. Well, to be fair, she has hinted and alluded to stuff, but I don't recall that she's ever just some right out and started stuff. And I've sent her a few pictures. She's said she would send one or two back, but I haven't gotten one yet. On top of all of that, we got to Skype the other day, and this week, we were supposed to get to Skype more since I was going to have more free, alone time. We haven't yet. Tonight would have been our best chance, but I haven't heard from her since shortly after I got home a little more than 3 hours ago.
Now, to be fair to BFF, she is a mom and is staying with family members, so she isn't always free. Her separation/divorce from her ex is not final yet, and so there would be questions/concerns if she were "involved" with someone else, especially a married man. I get that. But it would be nice to know that I was being pursued. Part of me wonders if I'm like a drug to her in some ways. She craves our relationship, but at the same time doesn't. I get that a lot. I feel that way sometimes. Like I've said before, I'm having a hard time enjoying the current without any idea what the future holds (even though it looks bleak for our "together" time).
As I said above, I'm not sure it was the best idea to tell BFF about this blog. After I've written this, I feel that even more. I really don't know how she will react to all of this. Yeah, maybe I should have said something about it personally, but I have many, many years of training that inhibit that sort of openness. It is very hard. So, as you read this, BFF, I hope you understand how hard it was for me to write, knowing that you will read it. I don't know how to talk about any of this "in person" so this is how I got it out. I hope you aren't too angry with me and I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Oh, and I'm still so very confused.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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