It has been a long weekend. Mrs! is gone and BFF wasn't able to come up, so I've had lots of time on my own. And, really, that is the core of the problem. I really don't like being alone. In fact, that has a lot to do with how I feel about Mrs! and BFF, I think.
I feel alone sometimes with Mrs! She "loves" me in her way. I think if you asked an outsider, I think they would say that she loved me. But she doesn't get me. She doesn't try to get to know me better. In fact, over the past few years especially, she has let our relationship fade to barely communicating. (And I don't mean conversation or talking about kids and plans, I mean actual talk about our lives and personalities.)
BFF makes me feel wanted. Because our relationship is just over text/phone with an occasional video chat, it is hard to not feel alone at times. Sometimes I feel like I get in the way in her life, and sometimes I even feel like I'm just an outlet for her to vent. I know that is just part of my own insecurities. At least I think it is. :)
But the past three days have helped me really see that the core of my issue is very, very simple. I don't want to be alone. I could have hit up a bar or Craig's List for a hook up. But really I'm still alone. As long as I'm with Mrs! and if she doesn't change then I'm still alone. And that is what sucks the most.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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