Well, I wanted to expand on last night's post. It was late and I was tired and ready to go to bed. (Didn't get there for a couple more hours, but still.) Anyway, I think there is more to say about being alone. I'll explore it a bit more tonight. But, I am also drinking now and don't plan to stop just yet. So this could be interested.
So, I'm not so bothered by being alone. It is annoying to be "with" someone but be alone. I feel like I could ask Mrs! and she would be able to tell me much about my personal life. I get that some of this has to do with my own lack of communication, but, seriously, shouldn't she be trying to talk with me? I mean, she is out of cell coverage with her parents, it is evening, but I haven't heard from her all day today. Shouldn't she have some desire to ask and try to communicate with me?
We talk. We have conversations about our kids and schedules and parents and such. But to really talk, to really get to know someone. "What's on your mind; what are you thinking about?" is not a question that she ever seems to ask. Oh, I take that back. I think she has asked two or three times as we were laying down if there was anything wrong. Given that I get 6 hours or less of sleep most nights, I don't generally answer that honestly.
So yeah, I have a part in the lack of communication between Mrs! and I, sure. But she does too. And I feel like I've tried to do my part over the past 20 years, only to have it unreturned. I have another post I want to write about that, and I will. But, fuck, shouldn't it have been returned at some point. I mean, even since the suicide fight, I've tried to be more listening, more acknowledging of my faults that offend her. I don't know how many times I've said I was sorry, and if I hurt her feelings, I genuinely am. It wasn't my intention to hurt her feelings.
Now, with BFF, I feel wanted, I don't feel alone, sometimes. Again, as I said, our relationship is mostly chat and phone. It is hard not to feel alone when real life interferes with either of us being able to talk. But in reality, I feel like she cares more about me and is more interested in my life than Mrs! is. Maybe it is just my impressions, but it does seem that way.
Of course, BFF is dealing with separation and having to hope/pray for support, so she has some major issues to deal with on her own. I wish I could be more help, but until I figure out what is happening with Mrs! and I, I really can't commit to anything. I sent some gift cards a few weeks back, and I was happy to do it. And BFF's ex is such an ass, I don't have a problem listening when she wants to vent. I wish I could figure something else to say other than, "He's an ass".
We talk about other stuff, but when I said I'm just an outlet to vent, what I meant is that without being able to commit to anything, I feel like I'm just a distraction in BFF moving on with her life after her ex. I mean, I know it is her decision, but I know she doesn't really want to be the "other woman" for the rest of our lives. And since our real live meet up keeps falling apart (A2 isn't working all weekend) I'm just her married "gentleman" friend. If it weren't for our relationship, she might find someone who could give her the happiness she deserves.
But... and this seems to be key... I am a selfish bastard. I will tell BFF all of this, but I don't change anything. I don't move aside to let her move on. I don't keep myself from sex talk and personal pictures. No, I love how BFF makes me feel and I keep talking to her because I do want to feel good. I mean, if I really loved her, and really wanted the best for her, wouldn't I step aside and let her move on if I can't bring my time with Mrs! to an end (and I can't seem to do that).
So, I'm alone. And I don't mind being alone, because if I was really alone without any strings attached, I could pursue NOT being alone. But I'm alone with the proverbial "ball and chain". I can't escape Mrs!, she doesn't seem to have any interest in real change, and I am alone. I doubt anyone feels sorry for me, I am just a coward-cheater who has only lacked in the ability to consummate the cheating. I guess the combination of being alone and trapped is what frustrates me after all.
And with that, I'm thinking the alcohol has set in. I'm going to finish the little I have left and go back for some more. I'm still hoping that Mrs! will have time for me today. Maybe not, I mean, after all, we are only married. I mean, really, we've been together nearly every day for the past 20 years, at least for part of the day, so why the hell would she want to talk to me today, it is just another day. Maybe she will not call and actually discover that she enjoyed her day more without me. Hah! Yeah, I'd never be that lucky in my life.
Until next time,
~ Anon ~
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